You and your stupid Meat Pie

I just got reminded about this again recently. We were down at the video store looking through when I saw a copy of the film "You and your Stupid Mate". Ask anyone who has anything to do with the Aussie film industry, and they will refer to this as the ultimate low point of Australian film. Changes were made to the background workings of the industry of this country because of this film, in an effort to never have something like it happen again. I've never seen it, so I'm just going to take their word for it. However, I believe that the only reason that this movie holds the illustrious position of the lowest of the low is because the film "Meat Pie" was never released.

You've never heard of it? Hopefully, you never will. And by that I mean it will never be released. This is without a doubt - and I have a good two years to think this over - the worst movie in cinematic history! Now I have seen a LOT of bad movies in my time. I actually tend to get a kick out of some of them. Sometimes, in bad films, you can find one element that still works. A script moment is not bad, the cinematography ain't bad, some one did an all right job on lighting that one scene. Because no one ever really sets out to make a bad film. Things just sort of snowball that way. And because film is such a collaborative effort, just because you have some Hack running the show, doesn't mean the guys behind him aren't doing their job properly. So no matter how bad the film, quite often - if you look hard enough - you can find something of merit with some point of the production.

Which brings me back to Meat Pie.

Back in I think 2006 (don't quote me) I managed to find an ad in the employment pages of a major Sydney newspaper asking for people to work on a independent feature film. It said that hey would need your services for about two weeks of filming in and around the Sydney area. Un paid, but they would provide lunch. Any interested parties should go to an office in the city for a meeting. I rang Doc Gonzo, and since both he and I we're unemployed at the time, we figured what the hell. Bit of experience, something to do for two weeks, getting to work on an actual film. Could be fun. So we hustled on over on the day.

The office was on the fifth floor of the building. there was a tiny little elevator right next to the stair well. We took the stairs, went in, did a brief meet and greet. The director was a guy named Garnet Mae. I tried to do a little research on him on the web. Worked on a few smaller thing, I think had a little bit of success at Tropfest one year. That's it. HE went off on some rant about wanting to save the Aussie film industry, we need to make films that are more commercial, believed that this film will set it on the road to recovery. After all that, he showed us a quick trailer for the film. Now, the plot for this film - if you can call it that - is a about a guy who, while closing up at his dad's mince meat pie shop, decides he's going to have sex with the meat grinder. Stick with me. While he's doing this, he accidentally turns it on and loses his pride and joy. Elsewhere in the world, some black porn star has just had a heart attack. Since there seems to be a spare part or two, the black guys dick gets transplanted onto the white guy.

Still with me?

OK, so this was supposed to be a spoof bad taste comedy. We didn't think the trailer was too bad, so we agreed to put our time in. Any interested parties were to return the next day to watch the current cut of the film, which was only an hour long. Apparently the next two weeks were to shoot some extra scenes that would extend the film out to a full 90 minutes.. The next day we arrived, and people were interviewed to see what they could bring to the film. The director and a producer quickly went through things and told us to keep in mind any ideas we might have to improve or punch up the film. They dimmed the lights and they started the film.

That had to have been the longest hour of my life!

I'll finish this later. Got something else to write.