Man in the Mirror

When you were a kid, did your father ever yell at you "Have a good hard look at yourself!!"? If you were like me, if ever you heard this, it mostly meant that you were in some seriously deep shit from the old man. Let's face it, this was always one step away from "You're a worthless little shit and I should have invested in birth control!!". And like most, I usually ignored it. Strangely though, that old dad cliche has been coming back to haunt me recently. Because I actually HAVE been having a good hard look at myself. And the truth is, I don't really like what I see.

This isn't really a recent phenomenon. I have moments in my past where I look back and see the person I was and realise what a scumbag I kinda was. I feel sorry for my parents when I think of the type of kid I was. I was a punk of a teenager. I made some progress in my twenties, but not a hell of a lot. Even now, in my thirties, I still see myself in past events and don't like the guy I was. But that has almost always been a retroactive opinion. There would be times I see myself, but gloss over the bade parts. But for a while now, I'm looking at me, as am now. And there are things about me I really don't like.

The lying is the big one. I just do it. It's out of my mouth before I even realise what it is I'm saying. It's never huge stuff - I'm not trying to convince people I'm something I'm not. My name really is Shannon Browning - but if I'm in a situation where I'm in trouble, or something has happened that was either directly of indirectly my fault, I do tend to find someway of explaining it that doesn't make me look so bad. Putting a spin on it, I believe most advertisers would call it. The thing about that is, you actually start believing it. And I hate it. About the only person I don't lie to in some form or another is my friend Amie. No, I'm not just saying that because she reads this. Her, and her Husbands opinions of me a very important, so I try to be as truthful as possible. The fact that she can just get the truth out of me even when I'm lying to myself is a big factor as well.

The other big thing is that I seem to have this thing about getting something for nothing. if there's some way I can cheat the system, I'll try and do it. This, more often than not, leads to some rather big problems and also leads me back to problem number one. Again, not something I am proud of. The stupid part is, even when I catch myself doing these things, I do feel ashamed of myself, but proceed to do them anyway.

Why the hell then am I writing about these, here in this public forum? Why am I risking the opinions of those who know me and read this thing. Because, as I said, I'm looking at myself and not liking certain parts. So, I'm trying to change them. Confessing to these things is a big part of it. I'm putting it out there so people know I do these things, in an attempt to not do these things. I truly do want to be a better human being then what I've been. I just didn't know where else to start.

I think the real reason that I'm doing this is because, twofold, I don't like who I've been and wish to improve. But also, I finally have someone in my life that means the world to me. And I think she deserves to have a good man in her life. She seems to think, for now, that that man is me. So it's now up to me to become the type of man believe she deserves.

I want to be a better man. Both for her sake, and for my own. Please understand why I am trying and forgive me if I fall.