When you were a kid, did your father ever yell at you "Have a good hard look at yourself!!"? If you were like me, if ever you heard this, it mostly meant that you were in some seriously deep shit from the old man. Let's face it, this was always one step away from "You're a worthless little shit and I should have invested in birth control!!". And like most, I usually ignored it. Strangely though, that old dad cliche has been coming back to haunt me recently. Because I actually HAVE been having a good hard look at myself. And the truth is, I don't really like what I see.
This isn't really a recent phenomenon. I have moments in my past where I look back and see the person I was and realise what a scumbag I kinda was. I feel sorry for my parents when I think of the type of kid I was. I was a punk of a teenager. I made some progress in my twenties, but not a hell of a lot. Even now, in my thirties, I still see myself in past events and don't like the guy I was. But that has almost always been a retroactive opinion. There would be times I see myself, but gloss over the bade parts. But for a while now, I'm looking at me, as am now. And there are things about me I really don't like.
The lying is the big one. I just do it. It's out of my mouth before I even realise what it is I'm saying. It's never huge stuff - I'm not trying to convince people I'm something I'm not. My name really is Shannon Browning - but if I'm in a situation where I'm in trouble, or something has happened that was either directly of indirectly my fault, I do tend to find someway of explaining it that doesn't make me look so bad. Putting a spin on it, I believe most advertisers would call it. The thing about that is, you actually start believing it. And I hate it. About the only person I don't lie to in some form or another is my friend Amie. No, I'm not just saying that because she reads this. Her, and her Husbands opinions of me a very important, so I try to be as truthful as possible. The fact that she can just get the truth out of me even when I'm lying to myself is a big factor as well.
The other big thing is that I seem to have this thing about getting something for nothing. if there's some way I can cheat the system, I'll try and do it. This, more often than not, leads to some rather big problems and also leads me back to problem number one. Again, not something I am proud of. The stupid part is, even when I catch myself doing these things, I do feel ashamed of myself, but proceed to do them anyway.
Why the hell then am I writing about these, here in this public forum? Why am I risking the opinions of those who know me and read this thing. Because, as I said, I'm looking at myself and not liking certain parts. So, I'm trying to change them. Confessing to these things is a big part of it. I'm putting it out there so people know I do these things, in an attempt to not do these things. I truly do want to be a better human being then what I've been. I just didn't know where else to start.
I think the real reason that I'm doing this is because, twofold, I don't like who I've been and wish to improve. But also, I finally have someone in my life that means the world to me. And I think she deserves to have a good man in her life. She seems to think, for now, that that man is me. So it's now up to me to become the type of man believe she deserves.
I want to be a better man. Both for her sake, and for my own. Please understand why I am trying and forgive me if I fall.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
And the tally is. . .
15 pages and cover down. 11 to go.
I really would like to know where I suddenly get this work ethic from every time I do a new book.
I really would like to know where I suddenly get this work ethic from every time I do a new book.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Home
My parents had a lot of trouble out their place back when I was living there. Shit with a neighbour. Not something I want to go into here. We had several break ins, a fire, our animals were shot and killed one night. It took a while to get to the point where you felt safe at home again. The subconscious thing that helped was that they never made it inside the house. You always felt safer knowing that the house was mostly impenetrable. At least it felt that way.
I've been living out of home in one form or another for the past 5-6 years now. And I've never had any sort of problems like that since then. Guess I got a little comfortable with the idea - rather the delusion - that it couldn't happen to me.
Until this morning.
I woke up this morning and noticed that the interconnecting door between the outer area's and the main room was open. This struck me as odd straight away, because I never leave it open. I hate having the door open when I sleep. It's a thing. I crawled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen. At which point I noticed that my front door was hanging wide open.
Yeah, that's how I felt.
My neighbour John, who is just an old guy who can't walk to well was putting things on the clothes line. I asked him if he had seen anyone around my place during the morning, like you would. I checked the door, which had been unlocked and opened. AS you would think, the first thought was that maybe I left it open. That disappeared real quick. There was a massive storm last night, with a wind blowing up a gale outside. My door doesn't close unless it's locked. if it wasn't, the wind would be blowing that door all over the place. Which leaves only one option. Someone with a key had unlocked my door and come into my home.
Just so that sinks in, I'll repeat it. Someone, without my knowledge or invitation, unlocked my door and came into my home. While I was there. Asleep.
If you're suddenly getting a feeling of dread in the lower pit of your stomach, you can imagine where I was about that time.
So, I went through my house to see if anything was missing. This kind of thing, the first thing you check are all the big, expensive items. Computer, TV, camera's, that sort of thing. All there. So I believed that someone had come in, realised I was there, then made a quick retreat. I decided to go out and buy a new lock for the front door and install it. I had a shower, still feeling a little creeped out, got dressed and was about to go when I realised I couldn't find my wallet. Or my keys. I did a pretty intensive search in all the places I would have stuck them, getting more and more uneasy. I ran outside to check if my car was still there. It was. Came back inside, searched some more. I finally went out to my car to search it. Getting to my car, I tried the handle. It was open.
I NEVER leave my car open. I lock the damn thing twice when I'm walking away.
Upon opening the door, I saw my keys sitting in the ignition. I was really starting to freak out by this time. I took my keys out and checked the car. No wallet. Closing up and locking the car, I realised why my car was still sitting in the driveway. There's a trick to starting my car. Even when you know it, it can still trick you. I'm guessing that whoever grabbed the keys tried to start and take the car, and when they couldn't get it started, they left the keys where they were. Yes, thanks to a little bit of a design glitch in my car, I still own it.
I've reported all this to the cops. They're arranging to get a fingerprint person out here tomorrow, but it's been raining heavily and I've possibly been smudging anything inside the house, so I'm not really expecting them to turn up to much. The scariest part about this is that this wasn't something completely random. Someone who has lived here before or has access to this place before - they have a key - came into my house while I was asleep and stole stuff from me. The only reason they didn't get away with more was because they couldn't figure out how to work my car. My hands are trembling as I type this and I am restless and uncomfortable in my home.
The worst part is that I have reason to suspect that it may have been one of my neighbours that did this. I'm going to report that information to the cops first thing tomorrow.
Your home is the one place you're supposed to feel safe. It's the place where you can lock the world and all it's problems outside and just relax and be yourself. In one selfish and inconsiderate act, that's been taken away from me. God help the person I suspect if they turn out to be responsible.
My lease runs out in August. I'm gone the next day.
I've been living out of home in one form or another for the past 5-6 years now. And I've never had any sort of problems like that since then. Guess I got a little comfortable with the idea - rather the delusion - that it couldn't happen to me.
Until this morning.
I woke up this morning and noticed that the interconnecting door between the outer area's and the main room was open. This struck me as odd straight away, because I never leave it open. I hate having the door open when I sleep. It's a thing. I crawled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen. At which point I noticed that my front door was hanging wide open.
Yeah, that's how I felt.
My neighbour John, who is just an old guy who can't walk to well was putting things on the clothes line. I asked him if he had seen anyone around my place during the morning, like you would. I checked the door, which had been unlocked and opened. AS you would think, the first thought was that maybe I left it open. That disappeared real quick. There was a massive storm last night, with a wind blowing up a gale outside. My door doesn't close unless it's locked. if it wasn't, the wind would be blowing that door all over the place. Which leaves only one option. Someone with a key had unlocked my door and come into my home.
Just so that sinks in, I'll repeat it. Someone, without my knowledge or invitation, unlocked my door and came into my home. While I was there. Asleep.
If you're suddenly getting a feeling of dread in the lower pit of your stomach, you can imagine where I was about that time.
So, I went through my house to see if anything was missing. This kind of thing, the first thing you check are all the big, expensive items. Computer, TV, camera's, that sort of thing. All there. So I believed that someone had come in, realised I was there, then made a quick retreat. I decided to go out and buy a new lock for the front door and install it. I had a shower, still feeling a little creeped out, got dressed and was about to go when I realised I couldn't find my wallet. Or my keys. I did a pretty intensive search in all the places I would have stuck them, getting more and more uneasy. I ran outside to check if my car was still there. It was. Came back inside, searched some more. I finally went out to my car to search it. Getting to my car, I tried the handle. It was open.
I NEVER leave my car open. I lock the damn thing twice when I'm walking away.
Upon opening the door, I saw my keys sitting in the ignition. I was really starting to freak out by this time. I took my keys out and checked the car. No wallet. Closing up and locking the car, I realised why my car was still sitting in the driveway. There's a trick to starting my car. Even when you know it, it can still trick you. I'm guessing that whoever grabbed the keys tried to start and take the car, and when they couldn't get it started, they left the keys where they were. Yes, thanks to a little bit of a design glitch in my car, I still own it.
I've reported all this to the cops. They're arranging to get a fingerprint person out here tomorrow, but it's been raining heavily and I've possibly been smudging anything inside the house, so I'm not really expecting them to turn up to much. The scariest part about this is that this wasn't something completely random. Someone who has lived here before or has access to this place before - they have a key - came into my house while I was asleep and stole stuff from me. The only reason they didn't get away with more was because they couldn't figure out how to work my car. My hands are trembling as I type this and I am restless and uncomfortable in my home.
The worst part is that I have reason to suspect that it may have been one of my neighbours that did this. I'm going to report that information to the cops first thing tomorrow.
Your home is the one place you're supposed to feel safe. It's the place where you can lock the world and all it's problems outside and just relax and be yourself. In one selfish and inconsiderate act, that's been taken away from me. God help the person I suspect if they turn out to be responsible.
My lease runs out in August. I'm gone the next day.
RoboToon vs The Transformers
I'm sorry if I'm being boring and repetitious, but the only thing I have on my mind lately is giant robots.
First up, no I haven't signed up for some sort of comic crossover - although, now that I think about it, it would be cool. No idea what the story would be - it's just the conflicting desires in my brain between these two great loves of mine.
As you know, I have been working very diligently on the next issue of my bunny book. I just finished my 13th page last night, which puts me over the halfway mark. Admittedly, I am thinking about putting another double page spread in to beef up one of the scenes, but I digress. My deadline for the book is this years Supanova convention.
What's also taking up a lot of my thought processes is the Transformers sequel that is coming out this year, which I am very much looking forward to, huge geek that I am.
The ironic part about this is that the deadline for both of these things is pretty much exactly the same time.
Transformers starts June 25th. This is also the very last day I can leave it to to get my book published in time for the convention. It's not done by then, it won't be done.
So. I look at The transformers, and I want this date to arrive faster. Then I look at the work I have still to do, and I want that date to take it's time.
Like I said. Conflicted.
First up, no I haven't signed up for some sort of comic crossover - although, now that I think about it, it would be cool. No idea what the story would be - it's just the conflicting desires in my brain between these two great loves of mine.
As you know, I have been working very diligently on the next issue of my bunny book. I just finished my 13th page last night, which puts me over the halfway mark. Admittedly, I am thinking about putting another double page spread in to beef up one of the scenes, but I digress. My deadline for the book is this years Supanova convention.
What's also taking up a lot of my thought processes is the Transformers sequel that is coming out this year, which I am very much looking forward to, huge geek that I am.
The ironic part about this is that the deadline for both of these things is pretty much exactly the same time.
Transformers starts June 25th. This is also the very last day I can leave it to to get my book published in time for the convention. It's not done by then, it won't be done.
So. I look at The transformers, and I want this date to arrive faster. Then I look at the work I have still to do, and I want that date to take it's time.
Like I said. Conflicted.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
It started.
The first two action figures from the new Transformers movie were released. Bumblebee and Soundwave. I already have two Bumblebee's - The 70's version camero and the funky new camero version - so I didn't get the new figure. Even though they resculpted his head, and he looks really cool now. But I did get Soundwave.
Soundwave was the big character ommission from the first movie. They tried to work him in a few times, which turned into Blackout and Scorpornok, then Frenzy. The helicoptor and the stereo for the ungeekafied.
Now, although I like the design of Soundwave, I'm really not that impressed with the figure. For one thing, it's Tiny! I've put it up on the shelf with all of my other figures from the first movie and it's without a doubt the shortest one. Add on top of that, it's a bitch to transform. There are too many bits which just 'sit there'. They don't click in or attach or anything.
Still. Looking forward to seeing him in the movie though.
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