Oh my God! I have a day off!

It sounds stupid, but this only really just dawned on me.

It's Saturday. Which, for at least the last three years, and maybe more for that matter, really hasn't meant anything to me. Maybe I had it off, maybe I didn't. It was just another day. Because of it being the weekend, I don't really have a lot of job searching options. I desperately don't want to have to work weekends anymore, so the last time I should be looking is the weekend! So, I'm at home, without much to do.

Normally, this would be driving me up the wall. But I am sitting here, in my place, just relaxing and watching a movie. I honestly don't think I've done that the whole time I've been here! I've had movies on, sure. But usually just as background noise, while I've been working on other things. To have the chance to just sit down, relax, not have to worry about anything and just enjoy a freaking movie?

I really don't have the words.

And I'm sick, for Christ sake! I should be just relaxing at home, letting myself get better! That too has been such an alien concept to me that it's a shock that I'm getting to do it. I've had to push through and suffer on for years now. Now I can just let my body heal itself. My God!

If it wasn't for the ever decreasing sum of money I have, I might actually be enjoying having this time off.

God I hate being unemployed.

So today, I went canvasing. I did yesterday as well, but that was in Parramatta. Today, I hit the big town. Caught the train into Sydney, armed only with a folder full of resumes, a two page list of businesses I could hit and my winning personality.

And I came up with bubkiss.

It was an interesting experience, I gotta admit. For instance, I never knew that paramount pictures had an office in Sydney. Found it! It was the first place I tried asking. Of course, there was nothing available, but I was kinda expecting that. It also amazes me how many businesses that are still advertised in the yellow pages no longer exist. There was one that I found completely hilarious. I had the address, found the building, went up to the appropriate floor and found . . . nothing. LITERALLY nothing! The entire floor was empty. It was surreal.

After about 5 hours of walking up and down Sydney and being rejected, I sort of got over the whole thing and headed home. There are still a couple places on my list that I have to try out, but that can wait for another day. I found an ad on seek when I got home that sounded really good and rang the guy advertised. Hopefully that at least leads to an interview, but I've got at least a week to wait before I find out. Not going to sit around and wait.

Speaking of waiting, that guy I had the interview with during the week didn't call today like he said he would. No real surprise there. If offered, I'd take the job, but after meeting him, I really don't want the job. Of course, you know what they say about beggars and choosers.

Soon. I will have a new job soon.

Gotta keep thinking that.

Progress?

The savings account just went under a thousand bucks. That gives me three more weeks of rent and bills. Centerlink, if it ever kicks in, will give me about 6 before I can't afford to live anymore. I've been dropping resumes off the last few days, but so far, zippo. I'm supposed to hear back from that interview I had the other day tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. You can tell in an interview when someone isn't interested, and they weren't. Don't know why the guy wasted both of our time. I'm hitting the city tomorrow. I have a two page list of places to hit, just in the CBD.

I'm trying very hard to stay positive. Very hard.

The Goal

I will have a new job by the end of this month.

- A job working in the creative industry.

- With a diverse and interesting range of work.

- In a friendly environment.

- With an easy commute, preferably on public transport.

- Earning a good salary - $45- $55

- Working weekdays only, NO WEEKENDS!!

- With Holiday, sick and super.

- Working for a decent boss.

Where do ideas come from?

So just recently, I took off up to Wagga in what I referred to as an impulsive inland trip in a desperate attempt to recharge my soul. Trust me, it helped.

Anyway, one of the nights I was up there, Steve dropped by and we proceeded to yell shit at each other, as we usually do. At some point - I don't remember how it came into the conversation - he spontaneously came up with a ridiculous title that kinda stuck in my head.

So last night, I home, I'm a little bored, I'm looking for something to do when I remember his title.

So here it is. My quick and rough 'cover' sketch for

"CYBORG VAMPIRE WOMEN FROM SPACE VS DINOSAURS"

Let's see them fit that on a ticket stub!

I even have a story, so you never know what I might come up with.

Owning up.

So I got myself fired again.

Really not a good feeling. And yes, I will freely admit it. It was my fault. I completely screwed up.

I should have quit over a year ago.

First up, this isn't me trying to shift the blame and somehow make it all 'not my fault'. I don't do that anymore. Truth be told, I had been screwing up a lot lately. It's actually really hard to get fired from - fuck it, I don't work there anymore - Hoyts. Get caught stealing something, insult a manager, fuck someone on the premises and you get kicked out pretty much straight away. Other than that, it takes a bit of effort on your part to get them to show you the door. I didn't do any of these. I got let go because I had been screwing my job up. Missing things mostly. A shitload of minor errors that all added up. And yeah, no excuses. It was all my fault. I was completely fucking up. Like it or not, I earned it.

Why was I fucking up so much? Simple. I didn't care anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not make myself give a shit. I hated that place. I was so over it.

I had been working there for 3 years. Because of the nature of it, I had been working the entire three years without a break. And I really needed one. It was also casual shift work. Meaning there was absolutely no structure to it. I could work any time of the day or night, any day of the week. Mostly working at nights. I haven't had a weekend in over three years without having to book it a month in advance. This might sound like petty shit, but trust me, it adds up. My health - both physical and mental - was seriously degrading. Boy do I have some stories about that. If I wasn't fired, I was going to put in for stress leave.

So yeah. I'm out. I'm unemployed. Again. If you've ever been in this predicament, you'd recognise that awful feeling in the bottom of your gut. The thing is, it's a good thing. I HAD to get out. Just for me in general.

Like I've written before, I'm trying to take responsibility for my life. But I was missing half of the equation. I was owning up to what was wrong in my life, and trying to correct that. But I was ignoring that which wasn't right. In other words, you have to take responsibility for your happiness as well. If you're not happy in something, be it a relationship, a home, a job, or whatever, you take responsibility for it. Part of that is that you fix it if it's worth fixing. But, if it can't be fixed, or isn't worth fixing, you got to have the courage to admit that and move on. I didn't. I'll admit that. I stayed in a situation I shouldn't have long after I should have left. And because of that, it deteriorated to a point where one of us had to make a move. It turned out to my boss who did what had to be done. This is something that I have to take to heart and try to learn from.

I take a little comfort from the fact that I know, 5, 10 years ago if this had of happened, I would have been blaming them and saying it's all their fault, spinning the story to others to make me look like the victim.

I'm learning. Albeit slowly.

Fuck.

Through contacts, I had managed to find a lady who worked for a printers who was willing to give me quite sizable discounts in regards to printing. This is something that an amateur publisher like myself dreams about finding. Printing is one of the biggest costs involved in the amateur publishing racket, and one of the main reasons that people wind up dropping out.

Unfortunately, with the way things are going in he world right now, this extremely kind lady is no longer to able to help me out in this endeavour. I now have to pay full price for my printing costs. Which, the way things are going in the world, is not an appealing prospect, and may well be the reason I stop publishing comics.

Like I said. Fuck