Owning up.

So I got myself fired again.

Really not a good feeling. And yes, I will freely admit it. It was my fault. I completely screwed up.

I should have quit over a year ago.

First up, this isn't me trying to shift the blame and somehow make it all 'not my fault'. I don't do that anymore. Truth be told, I had been screwing up a lot lately. It's actually really hard to get fired from - fuck it, I don't work there anymore - Hoyts. Get caught stealing something, insult a manager, fuck someone on the premises and you get kicked out pretty much straight away. Other than that, it takes a bit of effort on your part to get them to show you the door. I didn't do any of these. I got let go because I had been screwing my job up. Missing things mostly. A shitload of minor errors that all added up. And yeah, no excuses. It was all my fault. I was completely fucking up. Like it or not, I earned it.

Why was I fucking up so much? Simple. I didn't care anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not make myself give a shit. I hated that place. I was so over it.

I had been working there for 3 years. Because of the nature of it, I had been working the entire three years without a break. And I really needed one. It was also casual shift work. Meaning there was absolutely no structure to it. I could work any time of the day or night, any day of the week. Mostly working at nights. I haven't had a weekend in over three years without having to book it a month in advance. This might sound like petty shit, but trust me, it adds up. My health - both physical and mental - was seriously degrading. Boy do I have some stories about that. If I wasn't fired, I was going to put in for stress leave.

So yeah. I'm out. I'm unemployed. Again. If you've ever been in this predicament, you'd recognise that awful feeling in the bottom of your gut. The thing is, it's a good thing. I HAD to get out. Just for me in general.

Like I've written before, I'm trying to take responsibility for my life. But I was missing half of the equation. I was owning up to what was wrong in my life, and trying to correct that. But I was ignoring that which wasn't right. In other words, you have to take responsibility for your happiness as well. If you're not happy in something, be it a relationship, a home, a job, or whatever, you take responsibility for it. Part of that is that you fix it if it's worth fixing. But, if it can't be fixed, or isn't worth fixing, you got to have the courage to admit that and move on. I didn't. I'll admit that. I stayed in a situation I shouldn't have long after I should have left. And because of that, it deteriorated to a point where one of us had to make a move. It turned out to my boss who did what had to be done. This is something that I have to take to heart and try to learn from.

I take a little comfort from the fact that I know, 5, 10 years ago if this had of happened, I would have been blaming them and saying it's all their fault, spinning the story to others to make me look like the victim.

I'm learning. Albeit slowly.

Fuck.

Through contacts, I had managed to find a lady who worked for a printers who was willing to give me quite sizable discounts in regards to printing. This is something that an amateur publisher like myself dreams about finding. Printing is one of the biggest costs involved in the amateur publishing racket, and one of the main reasons that people wind up dropping out.

Unfortunately, with the way things are going in he world right now, this extremely kind lady is no longer to able to help me out in this endeavour. I now have to pay full price for my printing costs. Which, the way things are going in the world, is not an appealing prospect, and may well be the reason I stop publishing comics.

Like I said. Fuck

The Accomplishment List

OK, I'm kinda doing this more for myself than anyone else. I was having a little bit of a dark moment last night, feeling like I kinda of wasted the last 10 years of my life. Which, after giving myself a mental face slap, I sort of realised wasn't true. Yeah, I will admit, I've made some choices that weren't exactly the best, but I've done some other things as well, things I should be proud of. So here we go. In no particular order. Me from 25 to nearly 35.

1. Managed to save 4 grand, even though I was unemployed for large chunks of the time.
2. Completed a Web Design course with distinctions in certain subjects.
3. Completed a Fine arts course, once again with distinctions in certain subjects.
4. Confronted my dad about him terrifying me for the last 30 years.
5. Wrote, drew and published 4 comics.
6. Took on a completely different career and managed to survive.
7. Managed to accomplish things in a short tenure as a 3D animator that would normally take up to 5 years of study to learn.
8. Made a film that was publicly shown in a film festival.
9. Moved out of home and made it on my own.
10. Went to my high school reunion and laid to rest a lot of old ghosts.
11. Made a lot of new friends whom I believe are going to be life long friends.
12. Found the love of my life.
13. Was entered in an art competition
14. Got a first aid degree.
15. Did a comedy routine.

That's all I can think of right now. Not the longest list in the world, but still it's stuff that I can truly be proud of. I'm sure if I made a list of things I've screwed up in the last ten years, it would be a much longer list, but still. It's not a crime to fail. Doesn't feel very good, but as long as you try to learn from it and keep growing, it's worthwhile.

And done.

At 4.09, Thursday morning, June 18th, I finished the last page of artwork for RoboToon Issue 3.